Understanding the Psychology Behind Why Some People Prefer Staying at Home

FULL STORY 3

There were plenty of nights when I questioned whether I was doing enough or getting anything right. Looking back now, I can trace everything that happened to a single decision I made on an ordinary October evening.

The porch light flickered in October, casting a thin yellow ring on the wood. I came home from a double shift smelling of sawdust and motor oil, with my front door keys already in my hand, and almost tripped over them.

Three car seats, one diaper bag, and a note written on a gas receipt.

I picked up the receipt first because my brain refused to look at what was inside the car seats. My brother Daniel's handwriting appeared slanted hard to the right, the way it always did.

I came home from a double shift.

"I'm sorry, Noah. I can't do this."

That was it. No forwarding address or phone number.

Daniel's wife, Patricia, had been buried 11 days earlier. My brother had lasted less than two weeks.

I was 27, unmarried, and living above the hardware store where I swept floors and cut keys. I had exactly $312 in my checking account and a futon that didn't fold all the way out.

One of the triplets made a sound, a soft, wet hiccup, as if she were trying to be polite.

My brother had lasted less than two weeks.

I knelt on the porch boards. Two little faces were asleep, except for the smallest one, who was staring at me with eyes the same gray as my mother's.

"Hey," I whispered. "Hey, you."

Right then, Mrs. Hunter came out of the unit next door in her bathrobe, her slippers slapping the concrete. She'd been my neighbor for six years and never once minded her business, which, that night, turned out to be a mercy.

Two little faces were asleep.

***

Patricia had brought the triplets by twice that summer, and Mrs. Hunter had sat on the porch cooing over them while their mother rattled off names and birth weights like a proud drill sergeant.

***

"Noah? What in the world?!"

"It's Daniel's triplets."

"Where is he?!"

"Gone."

She looked at the note, looked at me, then pressed her hand flat against her chest.

"What in the world?!"

"Honey, you can't raise three babies alone!"

"I know!"

"You don't even know how to warm a bottle."

I sighed.

My neighbor knelt beside me. I was thinking she was probably right when the smallest baby reached up, blind and searching, and her fist closed around my index finger. It was tiny, warm, and strong in a way that didn't make any sense for a six-month-old.

I didn't move. I couldn't.

I was thinking she was probably right.

"That's June," Mrs. Hunter said quietly. "Patricia made sure we'd know how to tell them apart. Said the smallest one would always be June."

"June," I repeated, saying the name as if I were testing whether my mouth still worked.

Baby June kept holding on. She didn't know I had no money, had never changed a diaper, or that her father had abandoned them. She just knew someone was there.

"I'll call social services in the morning," my neighbor said gently. "There are good families, Noah. Ready people."

Baby June kept holding on.

I opened my mouth to agree. I really did.

"Okay," I whispered instead, but I was looking at June. "Okay. Okay, I've got you."

Mrs. Hunter went quiet. The porch light flickered again.

I carried them inside one at a time, and somewhere between the second trip and the third, I stopped being Uncle Noah and started being something I didn't have a word for yet.

I became Uncle Noah, then Dad, by accident.

"Okay, I've got you."

***

Twenty-two years went by, the way a long shift does: slow in the middle, gone by the end.

I packed lunches with the wrong kind of bread. I braided their hair so badly that, before school, Mrs. Hunter would fix it on the porch.

"You're going to give those girls complexes, Noah," my neighbor said once, pulling a brush through Ava's tangles.

"I'm doing my best."

"I know you are. That's the problem!" she teased.

"I'm doing my best."

I worked double shifts at the hardware store. Then, triple shifts when one of the children needed braces, a science fair board, or new sneakers because the old ones suddenly fit nobody.

There were science fairs and fevers I sat through. Broken hearts, I didn't know how to fix, so I just made grilled cheese and let them cry on the couch.

Three separate phases, when all three of them hated me at once. June, at 13, slamming doors. Claire, at 15, refused to look at me for a month. And Ava, at 17, told me I didn't understand anything.

I didn't. But I stayed.

I just made grilled cheese.

***

I missed things, too.

• A cousin's wedding in Denver because Claire had the flu.

• A fishing vacation I'd promised myself for 10 years.

• The chance to have a family of my own.

• And Diana, the woman I love.

Diana was patient for a long time. Longer than she should've been.

I missed things, too.

"I'm not asking you to choose," she told me one night at the front door. "I'm asking if there's room."

"There isn't," I said. "Not the kind you deserve."

She nodded as if she already knew. She left a sweater behind. I never returned it.

I stayed with the triplets, not because they asked me to, but because someone had to.

"I'm asking if there's room."

***

Daniel showed up the way the weather does.

A birthday card once, with no return address.

A Christmas card with a stamp from somewhere I'd never been.

When the girls were 12, he called.

"I want to reconnect, Noah. I've been thinking."

"Thinking about what, exactly?"

"About them and being a dad."

I held the phone so tightly that my hand cramped.

When the girls were 12, he called.

"You want to be a dad, you get on a plane. You don't think about it on my phone bill."

My brother didn't get on a plane. He never did.

The cards stopped after that. Sometimes I wondered if the girls noticed. They never said.

***

I'd lie awake some nights and run the numbers in my head, the way you do when you've been broke long enough. Not money. The other kind.

• Did I do enough?

• Did I say the right things at the right time?

• Did they know I loved them, or did they just know I was tired?

I wondered if the girls noticed.

There was a fear under all of it that I never said out loud. That somewhere in the back of their hearts, the triplets were still waiting for their real father.

That I was the man who'd been there, but not the man they wanted.

I didn't blame them for it. I just couldn't stop thinking about it.

There was a fear under all of it.

***

The morning of the triplets' graduation, I sat in my truck in the parking lot for a full 20 minutes before I could make myself get out.

I was 49. My beard had gone gray in patches. My knee hurt from a fall off a ladder two summers earlier and had never quite healed.

I'd brought a cheap camera, which I didn't fully know how to use, and it was shaking in my hand.

And in my wallet, behind the expired insurance card and a food receipt, I'd kept Daniel's original note. It was faded, but still readable.

I'd brought a cheap camera.

I unfolded it with both hands.

I wondered if the girls would mention Daniel today. I wondered, even worse, if they'd wish he'd come instead.

I folded the note back up and stepped out into the heat.

***

The auditorium smelled of floor polish and cheap perfume. I sat seven rows back with my camera resting on my bad knee, trying to keep my hands steady. Twenty-two years of waiting for this exact morning, and I still felt as if I were about to drop a milk bottle.

I unfolded it with both hands.

The girls walked across the college stage one after another.

They called Ava first.

She started crying before her name had even finished echoing through the speakers. I watched her wipe her face on the sleeve of that black gown and laugh at herself halfway across the stage.

Then Claire. My middle one, the wild card.

She spotted me in the crowd and waved with both hands, the way she used to wave from the school bus window when she was eight years old. I waved back enthusiastically.

They called Ava first.

Lastly came June.

She didn't smile but walked across that stage the same way she'd walked through her whole life, as if she were carrying something heavier than the rest of us could see. Something heavier than a diploma.

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I lifted the camera. The shutter clicked. That was supposed to be the end of it.

Then the dean stepped back to the microphone and tapped it twice.

"We have one more presentation before we close."

I lowered the camera.

That was supposed to be the end of it.

Then my girls, or rather young women, walked back onto the stage together, hand in hand, the way they used to cross parking lots when they were five.

Something tightened in my chest, but I couldn't say why.

June took the microphone.

"Our father couldn't be here today," she said.

My stomach dropped through the floor of that auditorium.

Daniel.

Something tightened in my chest, but I couldn't say why.

They were going to talk about Daniel.

Twenty-two years of birthday cards he never sent, phone calls he never made, and now, on the one day I'd actually shown up for, they were going to honor the man who didn't.

I felt the hurt rise in my throat as if it had been waiting for me. I told myself to sit still, smile, and let them have this if they needed it.

Ava reached into the sleeve of her gown and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Claire pressed her hand over her mouth, and I saw her shoulders shake.

I felt the hurt rise in my throat.

"We found the notebook," June said. "The one in the kitchen drawer."

I closed my eyes and gripped the camera so hard that I heard the plastic creak. I thought about the gas receipt note, still folded in my wallet. I thought about Patricia, and every birthday I'd sat at that warped kitchen table with a pen, writing to three girls who were already asleep.

At the time, I told myself they'd read it someday or they wouldn't, and either way I'd said what needed saying.

Then June started reading.

I closed my eyes.

"To my girls. You're one-year-old today. I don't know if you'll ever read this, and I don't know if I'll still be doing this right by then, but I wanted to write it down, anyway."

Something cold ran straight down my spine.

I knew those words. I knew the rhythm of them and the man who'd written them, alone at a kitchen table above a hardware store, with three sleeping babies in a single crib because he couldn't afford three.

I knew because that man was me!

I knew those words.

June kept reading.

"I'm 27. I'm scared all the time. I don't know how to be a father, but I know I'm not going anywhere."

I fell out of my chair, my knees hitting the floor, and the camera nearly slipped out of my hand!

Somebody beside me reached for my elbow, helping me back into my seat. I couldn't look at them.

When she said, "Our father," she meant me. She had always meant me!

Up on the stage, my daughter stopped reading, looked straight down the aisle, straight at the teary man in row seven, and continued.

I fell out of my chair!

June's voice steadied as she read the different entries.

"To my three girls. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be what you need. But I'm going to stay. I'll never be the dad you deserve, but I'll be the one who shows up."

Ava picked up where her sister left off, her voice cracking.

"I promise you breakfast every morning, even if it's burnt. I promise you'll never wonder where I am."

Claire finished.

"I love you more than I knew a person could love anything. Happy first birthday!"

Ava picked up where her sister left off.

The auditorium blurred around me.

Then June walked down the steps and knelt beside me. She slid a framed court order into my hands.

"We filed the petitions months ago," she said. "They went through last week."

I couldn't read the words. My hands shook too hard.

"We found what our biological father left behind. You were never our uncle," Ava said into the microphone. "You were always our dad."

She slid a framed court order into my hands.

Claire wiped her face on the stage.

"We just made the paperwork match the truth."

June got to her feet and hugged me. The whole room stood. I don't remember walking out.

***

Three weeks later, I was back above the hardware store, hanging two frames on the wall by the window. The gas receipt note went on the left. The adoption papers went on the right. I stood there a long time, looking at both.

I don't remember walking out.

For two decades, I'd called it a sacrifice.

But standing in that quiet apartment, I finally understood it wasn't. It was the life I'd chosen. And somewhere along the way, it had chosen me back.

I sat down on the couch, picked up my phone, and scrolled to a number I hadn't dialed in 12 years.

Diana.

I pressed call before I could talk myself out of it.

She answered on the second ring.

"Noah? I was wondering when you'd call."